The Home Invasion

3 Jul

Picture this, your leasing agent hands you a set of shiny silver or gold keys to your very first house or apartment that you don’t have to share with your parents or a roommate? The feeling of euphoria that you are experiencing right now as you walk around the house testing out all of the new gadgets and walking in and out of YOUR VERY OWN walk-in closet that’s fully equipped with a closet organizer, is overwhelming. After taking another personal tour of your home, you lay on the couch with your hands clasped behind your head, your eyes closed and take in all of the foreign noises that you weren’t accustomed to hearing yet in this new place. Suddenly you realize just how loud the crickets are in this neighborhood. Laying there, you have two thoughts going through your mind, “Who’s going to help me unpack these boxes?” and “Where is the nearest pizza delivery place?” Days go by with friends and family coming by to help you unpack and decorate. Your boyfriend comes over almost daily to make sure that you are safe and to see if you needed anything, because after all, this is a NEW PLACE and void of other people besides you and the crickets.

After several weeks of getting things situated in your house JUST the way you want them and enjoying being able to run around the house doing naked dances in the mirror (what, we’ve all done it), you go into the bathroom to take a hot shower and notice the extra toothbrush in your toothbrush holder. You don’t think anything of it because your boyfriend has been staying over pretty frequently. After you take your shower, you go into that wonderful walk-in closet and notice two pair of oversized Gap jeans on hangers next to your clothes and a pair of blue Nike running shoes in the corner. Hold on, these aren’t yours, but your boyfriend must have left them there by accident. You grab your clothes, start to iron and then realize that you needed your cellphone car charger before running out of the door so you start to walk towards your nightstand and trip over a pair of shower shoes that are a man-sized 9. Finally, reaching for the drawer of your night stand on the side that HE usually sleeps on, you pull it out and notice that there are several pairs of boxer shorts in the drawer. OH NO! You begin to panic, start to sweat and realize, you’ve just been a victim of a HOME INVASION!

What is a home invasion?

A “Home Invasion” is when single people who live alone end up “accidentally” living with their significant other. The significant other slowly starts to move things in and getting you used to seeing their personal items. You don’t think anything of the first few items because they are common items such as a toothbrush, a change of clothes or some underwear; you know, things they can easily take home. The next thing you know, they have their ENTIRE wardrobe in your closet, cd’s, a laptop and special dishes in the sink in YOUR place where THEY aren’t paying ANY rent! Home invasions are ALL too common with single ladies with their own apartment or house that is dating a guy who lives with a roommate or is in a break-up situation with another “live-in” ex. You spend so much time with your boyfriend, going out, cooking him dinner at home in YOUR new digs and hosting sports parties together that you haven’t realized that he hasn’t been to HIS house in MONTHS. You probably hate to visit his house because he has a roommate, which is why he spends so much time at your place. The other thing is that frankly, MEN don’t live like women. Women are usually more conscious of how things are decorated, cleaned and the amount of privacy they are getting. Men usually have a MAN PAD that smells like the gym, with dirty dishes in the sink, unmatched furniture, a pool table in the dining room and constant drop-in company. Another SURE way of getting home invaded, is GIVING HIM A KEY. You may do this unconsciously because you need him to run over and feed the dog, water your plants or because you needed someone to meet the cable guy and he just happened to be off that day. The next thing you know, he’s coming in your apartment ALL OF THE TIME for ANY reason with that same key.

Men usually don’t fall victim to the home invasion very easily because they are LESS likely to ALLOW you to leave ANYTHING at their house. Try leaving some Dove body wash in his shower. I bet the next time you are over there, it is hidden away underneath the cabinet behind the cleaning products and you have to ASK for it the next time you want to use it because you can’t find it. God forbid you try leaving something that he can’t easily hide, like a pair of shoes. I guarantee you that before you get the keys in the ignition to your car, he is tapping on your driver’s side window, out of breath from running and saying, “Baby, you left these, I thought you might need them.” The guy that is a PRIME target for a home invasion by a woman is the guy that lives alone in a “comfortable” bachelor pad. His house or apartment will have all of the creature comforts of home. When you walk in, it smells like scented candles, there is beautiful plush furniture and carpet, lavish artwork on the walls, matching dishes in the cabinet and a flat screen tv with surround sound above the fireplace. Yes all of this sounds great if you are a bachelor BUT it also invites women to take up residence in YOUR place because it feels like home. I’m not saying DON’T live like this, but be prepared NOT to live ALONE like this for long because as soon as she takes her shoes off that first night and steps on that plush carpet, her clothes will be moving in next!

How to Avoid the Home Invasion?

If you aren’t ready to “accidentally” live with someone then there are a few things that you need to AVOID doing.

  1. Don’t allow your significant other to spend EVERY DAY at YOUR place. You need to alternate houses even if you don’t like their roommate. If the place that they live in is too unbearable to spend the night in, just part ways at the end of some of your dates and get used to sleeping alone in YOUR bed once in a while.
  2. Don’t allow them to leave things at your place that will collect over time and become ALL of their worldly possessions. If they leave a toothbrush that’s okay but if they start bringing their laundry over to do at your place and NEVER take it home, BEWARE, they’re trying to move in.
  3. Don’t give them a key to your place because that is an OPEN invitation to let them come and go as they please (and to move stuff in while you’re at work). If you have to give them a key for a specific reason, MAKE UP A STORY to get it back IMMEDIATELY. Tell them that your mother is coming over and you need to give it to her to get in.
  4. Don’t come immediately to the rescue by offering your apartment for a short time if they have a fight with their roommate that ends up with them having to “move out”. Run to the grocery store and grab all of the “Apartment Guides” off of the shelves and bookmark EVERY apartment finder website there is, because your way of showing support is to FIND THEM A NEW APARTMENT IMMEDIATELY!
  5. Be on the look out for that person with the pattern of living with people. If they are going from one relationship to the next and they are ALWAYS living with the person, they are basically a user who is looking to get a free ride with YOU until they can take up residence with the next sucker who will pay their way!

Basically ladies and gentleman, don’t be afraid to look them straight in the eye and say, “I LOVE YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO HOME, BUT YOU HAVE TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Then follow that up with a kiss and send them on their way!

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2 Responses to “The Home Invasion”

  1. Dee July 3, 2011 at 2:51 PM #

    BOY WAS I A VITICM OF THIS !!! Good one Melissa

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