Is Your Bar Too High?

14 Aug

Talking to my single friends, they tell me that the dating pool is very “shallow” these days.  According to them, there really aren’t many “quality” single men out there to choose from when you are over 30.  Is this really true or do women have TOO MANY standards that ultimately disqualifies a lot of single men that could be a good catch?  I’m not saying that women shouldn’t have standards because everybody (both men and women) should but if they are impossible to meet then you’ll continue to find yourselves single.  I once went out with a guy who told me that his ideal woman had to have, long real hair, real nails, a college degree, light-skinned, never been on welfare and a good job.  Well I guess I was HIS PERFECT MATCH because I met that criteria but just hearing it, made me want to gag!  I thought to myself while listening to him spew off his ridicules list, “you think WAY to highly of yourself because you DELIVER THE MAIL for a living and your arms are too long for your body.”  I NEVER went out with him again.  What I want to explore are some common standards that women have and when it IS and IS NOT acceptable to lower them for a relationship.

He Doesn’t Have A Car

Not having a car is an acceptable reason to lower your standard.  A man is NOT defined by the car that he drives but many women place a particular emphasis on this standard for some reason.  You could be ruling out a lot of good men who don’t own a car.  If he doesn’t drive, he should be honest and up front with you about the fact that he doesn’t have a car and shouldn’t try to make it seem like his car is “in the shop” indefinitely.  What is wrong with picking him up for a date if you have a car?  First you need to explore the REASON he doesn’t have a car.  Did he get into an accident and total his car and is awaiting insurance money or a settlement to buy a new one?  Perhaps the payment to fix the totalled car is too high right now and he’s saving money to get it fixed.  Does he even have a driver’s license?  If he does not, you could always encourage him to get one and LEARN how to drive so that he’ll eventually buy a car.  He could be saving money to buy the car of his dreams but you just shot him down at the initial sign of him not having a car.  There are plenty of men who will pay for dates if you are willing to take the bus, drive or catch a cab.  Some women think that they are better than a bus ride.  Will him not having a car keep him from coming to see you or spending time with you?  Some men like to use this as a test to see how shallow you are when it comes to this topic.  They will say that they don’t drive to see your reaction.  I once had a guy refuse to tell me what kind of car he drove (as if it mattered) because he didn’t want me to be enamored with his “Lexus ES 350″.  Clearly he missed the memo that cars are not that high up on my priority list since I have always had one since I was 16.  When I met my husband, he didn’t have a car and he told me up front and I offered to pick him up for our first date and he bought a car during the course of our dating.

He Doesn’t Have A Career

This can go both ways depending on how old they guy is.  It is acceptable if the guy is 35 or under and has not established his career but still has a job.  Statistics show that the average person will have 7-10 jobs before establishing a solid career.  With that being said, you need to evaluate the direction that he is going in with his life.  When you met him did he have goals that he was actively working toward accomplishing such as going to school, starting a business, etc.? It is not acceptable if he is over 35 and has only worked odd jobs here and there and has no real career pattern or any plans of getting one.

Many women like to put men in employment boxes such as doctor, lawyer or executive but there are many other career fields that are just as acceptable and lucrative.  The goal here is to meet someone who you can grow with and perhaps you can push him to his full potential by being supportive and encouraging.  If you rule out the guy with the average job such as a “camp counselor” when you first met, you could be ruling out the next CEO of the camp organization in a few years.  You have to know what his aspirations are and see that he is working toward them before passing judgement on him as a good catch.

He Has Kids

When I was under 30, this was an ABSOLUTE deal breaker for me.  Once I passed 30, I realized that the likelihood of finding a man WITHOUT a child would be like finding a needle in a haystack.  It would be acceptable to lower your standard in this case IF only one mother is involved.  If he has multiple mothers of his children then NOT ACCEPTABLE!  When you don’t have children, being involved with a man with children takes a special kind of women because women are generally catty.  The mother of his children will inevitably give you a hard time unless she has moved on and is COMPLETELY over him, which is why you should only deal with a man who has ONE of these women!  Having to deal with two or three different women and different attitudes toward you can get exhausting.  The other thing to consider in this case is that he will have to split his time between you and his children if he is a good father.  If you do decide to get involved with a man with children and HE NEVER spends time with them or talks about them, that is a red flag and you should consider that when you are looking for a more serious relationship with him.

He Doesn’t Have A College Degree

There are many men out here in jobs that don’t require a college degree so this should be acceptable.  The only caution is that he might not be able to relate to your enthusiasm for “homecoming” or your “sorority life” because he doesn’t have those experiences.  Blue collar workers make very good money and often are in business for themselves so they should not be overlooked.  Being a barber is also a lucrative business since people will always need a haircut and they are unlikely to be out of work but do tend to work long hours.  There are jobs in the medical field that don’t require a degree such as radiology technicians, medical assistants etc.  The key here is not hinging your hopes on a man with a college degree because that doesn’t necessarily make him a good catch.  There are many men with college degrees who are TERRIBLE boyfriends or who are bums.

Dating these days is hard enough without all of the added pressure of a checklist.  When you meet a guy, don’t start going through your checklist to rule him out right away unless you see OBVIOUS red flags.  Consider being open-minded and broadening your horizon.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  If you keep sticking to your standards so hard, you may drive yourself insane trying to find the right guy.  You have to step out on faith and try something unorthodox.  Give that younger/older guy a try.  Take your contractor up on his offer for lunch.  Go out to dinner with that not-so-attractive guy.  You may find your hidden treasure in the one that you would never consider.

Check out the new “Single of the Week” link and show her some love!

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